Desire and Freedom

Wow.  To say it's been a long time since I was writing here is, well, a massive understatement.  Looks like I have some work to do with updating some stuff here, but that will come in time.  So it's 2015 and time to think about how I want my year of running to turn out.  I have already had some race experience for the year that tells me how I want it to NOT turn out, which actually helps me out immensely.  It has helped me focus and actually have goals.  I do not plan to tackle any new distances this year but I do plan to improve on some of the old stuff.


"A wolf howling at the moon is a symbol of freedom and desire. Your animal instincts coming close to the surface - a connection with our true, wild beginnings. Just as you are never happier than when you are in Nature."


This design is a piece of jewelry from Tarma Designs.  I love their jewelry and the symbolism of their pieces gives me inspiration.  It is this particular piece that really got me thinking about my running goals for the new year.  Freedom.  Running, especially on trails, makes me feel free.  It frees my mind from stressors and worries and clears my head.  I love having to think about nothing except picking my feet up and putting them down and everything physical, like what it's going to take to keep me moving forward.  I love making my body feel the pain of pushing hard and the rush that I feel when I have pushed hard and overcome.  The freedom is there; all I have to do is put my shoes on and head out the door.  It's the desire that needs some work.  The desire to actually run is never the problem; it's the desire to be happy with what I know makes me happy that is the constant struggle.  I love to go to races not to actually compete but more to push myself either in improving my time or pushing through a certain distance.  I love to celebrate with my friends the many victories that come with competing against others as well as myself.  But I need to know what my limits are and what makes me happy and what does not.  Certain distances make me happy.  Certain distances, one in particular, do not make me happy and I don't enjoy myself and yet I keep signing up for it.  This year my desire is to be happy with all of my "races" and that means doing only what I know makes me happy, not what I think will make someone else happy or simply to impress others.  The focus of my desire for this year will be to push as hard as I can and bring life back to what has become commonplace for me.


I am excited to do some new races this year, some annual favorites, and some that I haven't done in a long time.  I won't go into extensive detail of my race schedule but I will put it out there that my goal race for this year is a brand spanking new event, one that I am so completely excited about and one that I plan to work hard on going for a personal best time at this distance.  This race is the Twisted Branch Trail Run 100K.  This race is going to be epic.  It's a point-to-point race so there will be no "easy outs".


I am excited and honored to be an ambassador for a second year for The Finger Lakes Running and Triathlon Company.  I feel very fortunate to have this local resource for my running needs and a place to just hang out and talk running.  And the Team FLRTC ambassadors is a great mix of people who will also fit all of your running (and triathlon) needs!  I have also found inspiration from a great nearby group, #TrailsRoc.  They have a great philosophy and put on some super fun events (races and group runs).  These guys know how to have fun with running and volunteering (they run a mean aid station at both The Virgil Crest Ultras and Cayuga Trails 50, and they KNOW how to take care of you!).  I encourage you to check them out.


So there are my thoughts so far for this year.  I have not gone into great detail in hopes that this will keep me excited to keep coming back here regularly and often to post about my desire and freedom.

Not A DNF ... Just Plain FD

OK, so it's six months into the year and this is only my second post.  To say that my attention to this blog has been pitiful is an understatement.  I have been running and getting out and doing fun stuff, I just haven't felt like writing for some reason.  Well, a little introspection is sometimes a good thing and might actually bring a little perspective back to my running.  Plain and simple, this year I wanted to avoid what I call the "FOMO Syndrome" (Fear of Missing Out ... signing up for every race because I don't want to miss out on the fun).  Well, that goal went right out the window and I completely blew it.  And in the end I blew up.  The one race I had been looking forward to running for literally years ... well, in the end, it was a bust.


So let me go back to almost the beginning of the year.  My one post for 2014 was about The Beast of Burden 50 miler back in January.  Let me start by saying that I freaking love this race.   Basically it entails several things about running that I absolutely hate.  First of all, it's a flat course.  Flatter than flat.  There are long distances between aid stations.  There are long periods of time when you are alone and feel like there is no one else out there but you.  But here's what I LOVE about this race ... it's in the winter (= brutal weather conditions), the volunteers and race directors are amazing and fun people, my fellow BoB'ers who have been there since the first running of the race keep coming back, it's an out-and-back course so you get to see the race as it unfolds, and it's just plain fun ... because who is really trained to "run" a 50 miler in the snow and wind (and sometimes sleeting rain) in LOCKPORT in January?!  And it is the only race where I never regret not going for the full 100 miles.  50 miles is my limit there and I am always happy with that, no matter what my time.


Forward into February and the Febapple Frozen Fifty (50K) in NJ.  I had an OK finishing time.  The NJ group is always fun and I got to see many of our friends.  But with the snow and then rain and then brutal cold that we had, the course was a mess of post-holing through hard snow and not very runnable.  But all in all I had fun.  This was my first official race running as a Team FLRTC ambassador and I was proud to wear the logo and advertise Finger Lakes running.  I have to say, just having the support and encouragement of this team really helped to make a hard run much more enjoyable and helped push me to the finish.


So two ultras in two months, one would think that some rest would be in order, right?  Wrong.  March shows up with the usual fun of The St. Patrick's Day 4-Miler in Binghamton, which I have to say is truly a "race" for me.  There is no "just finishing" here.  I have won the Athena Division (aka, Big Ladies Division) every year that I have run this race.  I want to keep this streak going as long as I can.  And they have beer at the finish ... what more encouragement does one need to put on a little speed?  So this race is serious business for me.  Then two weeks later was the HAT Run 50K in Maryland.  I hadn't done this race for about 5 years so I really wanted to go back and try it again.  As always, it was fun and I made my usual stupid mistakes of going out too fast and not fuelling properly on the first loop, but all in all I felt good and got my shit together on lap two and had a decent run.  Most importantly I finished feeling way better than I felt at the end of the first lap!


Alrighty, on to April and the first local race where our Team FLRTC could really show off our stuff.  In general, I really do not enjoy road races but the roads are a necessary evil around here if you want to stay in good running shape throughout the winter.  It was a beautiful sunny and warm day and I ran a bit slower than I would have liked ... but let's face it, I don't run on roads really enough to think I should be able to race fast on them.  And I am a few years older than the last time I had done a long-ish road race.  And I looked at it as a nice endurance speed set-up for a 50K I would be doing in two weeks.  Yup ... two weeks later we were off to Ohio for the Mohican Forget The PR 50K (and Joe running the 25K).  This race was held on some really beautiful trails and I really loved the course.  And they had PEEPS at one of the aid stations.  I was in heaven.  Given the insane climbs and thigh-deep water crossings that were part of this course, I was happy with my just-over-7-hour finish.  And everything was feeling good.  And they had beer at the finish and gave out cool finisher mugs so that you could keep refilling.  Pretty sweet.  I used to study course maps but then at one point I figured I am not leading these races, I can just follow the others, and stopped looking at course maps.  I need to start looking at course maps again.  This is the SECOND (yes, that means I did not learn the first time) race where I thought since there was a 25K and a 50K race that the 50K was just two loops of the 25K loop.  Well, it wasn't.  Fortunately I had put on my good sneakers for the "first loop" and generously filled my pack with some good snacks.  I had plans for the "second loop" but ... well, you get it.  Thank goodness I survive these things despite myself.


And then came May.  Whoa ... how did that happen?  I was not signed up for an ultra?  Well, better make up for that by doing a weekend of back-to-back trail half marathons ... one that was all-out runnable (Allegany Adventure Run in Salamanca) followed by a not-so-runnable-serious-climbs-with-suicidal-descents half marathon (Greenwood Furnace Trail Challenge in PA).  Obviously this would be a great set-up to try and run a Boston Marathon qualifier in two weeks.  Off to Augusta, NJ, for 3 Days at the Fair.  Joe had signed up for the 48 hour race (48 hours of running on a 1-mile paved loop).  The plan was for me to crew for him and help him to reach his goal of 90 miles.  So I thought, he really won't need me for those first few hours of the race, so why don't I just bang out a marathon and then I can help him?  Again, I am not a real road runner.  Nor have I actually "run" 26 miles consecutively in I can't remember when.  That is why I like trails.  Run a little, walk a little.  And eat.  Real food.  Apparently you can't really do that when you are trying to run fast.  And did I mention that I am not a fan of flat or pavement?  Yup, had both of those, too.  So I just wanted to get it over with so I could make one last trip back to Boston.  And about five minutes into the race it started to rain.  And then it poured.  For the whole race.  I felt pretty decent until about mile 20 and then I really just wanted it to be over.  I stopped by our tent to grab a fresh water bottle and there was a giant cookie on the table and all I could think about was that if this was an ultra I could eat that cookie.  But I didn't.  I kept running until I came upon Joe and my friend Eva, both enjoying their 48-hour runs, and I just melted down.  Screw this, I didn't care if I qualified or not.  This was not fun.  And then Eva asked what I needed to do for those final three miles in order to qualify.  I knew that 10-minute miles would easily get me under the 3:55 that I needed and Eva gave me so much encouragement to get me going again.  I fumbled on mile 24 but once I crossed the timing mat and saw where I was at it was game-on again.  And I threw-down two more sub-9 minute miles to get the job done and I was a Boston Marathon qualifier!  Cool ... now I could get on with what I was really here to do ... crew for Joe.  And he was amazing in some pretty crazy weather and finished with 80 miles in less than 30 hours!


Alrighty ... that was a good little speed workout and I had two weeks to recover before Cayuga Trails 50.  Nice.  I guess I was a little tired but I took it easy for those two weeks and come CT50 race day I felt great.  For the first 1/4 of the race anyway.  It was a beautiful day but the heat really kicked-up and, oh, those stairs!  Again, did I really look at the course map?  Of course not; I ran this last year.  So when I came out at the top of the entrance to Buttermilk Falls and the volunteer told me that I was going to keep going straight (and not turn left and cross the stone bridge like we did last year), my insides kinda turned.  I had only been on this section of trail once before and I remembered it being a little, ummm, brutal.  Crap.  But what are you gonna do?  Actually, my body felt pretty strong throughout the race and mentally, I guess I kept it together.  Somewhere probably around mile 38-ish one of my trail angels was out there with some good running beer ... yup ... that would be the Lucifer Steps.  No GI issues while drinking that on the run!  Good stuff and just what I needed.  But by the time I got to the Underpass Aid Station I was craving something more than water again.  But they were out of soda.  And Joe was out of the soda that I had in the cooler.  Sometimes you just have to improvise.  I had a Pale Ale in the cooler that would just have to do.  And that 12 ounces went down very well and I was off to get this last seven miles done.  The next four miles were pretty interesting to say the least.  And the last three miles just a little painful.  But I got it done in not a bad time for me, especially given the heat, which my slight-build of a body pretty much detests.  A few beers and burgers later and recovery was well under way.


So a 50-miler just two weeks before a scheduled 70-miler is a good build-up, right?  Just rest for those two weeks and get that 70 done.  After all, it's not like it's a 100 miles.  I got this.  Off to Ohiopyle, PA, for the Laurel Highlands 70.5 mile ultra.  I have wanted to do this race for years but it always came so close to the Finger Lakes Fifties and I always had too much stuff to get done for the race to be able to run the LH race.  So finally, not having to worry about the FL50s this year, I had my chance to run Laurel Highlands.  We got to our lodging on Friday night a bit later than I would have liked.  And it was raining.  And I had to get my stuff together and try to get some sleep.  I actually started to feel a little overwhelmed.  And I thought, "do I really have to do this?"  But this race was a long time coming and I thought once I get out on the trail it will all be good.  I got a few hours of sleep and woke feeling rested but still wondering, "what if I just overslept and missed the start?  That wouldn't be so bad."  But Joe was ready to crew and I just thought my feelings would pass.  I actually felt apprehensive at the start, which really is not normal for me.  But pretty soon we were off and running.  The trail was really nice but with A LOT of climb in the first 11.9 miles.  I was sweating like mad from the effort and drinking like crazy but never feeling like I was quenching my thirst.  I ate but was still feeling cranky.  Electrolytes didn't help.  The talk of the other runners and their laughter annoyed me.  I was not having fun.  I have been known to feel like shit during races but never this early on.  So by the time I got to Joe at 11.9 miles I just wanted to be done.  I didn't want to be out there; I just didn't want to run.  Nothing was physically wrong and I was mentally OK, I just didn't want to be there.  But somehow he and a volunteer convinced me to go on.  So I walked and I ate and drank but the energy, physical and mental, just wasn't there.  Joe told me to look around and enjoy the beauty of the trail.  I tried but I just was not seeing it; this was not fun.  Some friends caught up and passed me and we chatted a bit and I ran some miles with another friend and it was nice.  But I was not out here to walk 70 miles.  I am no elite athlete and somehow it always seemed like it is OK when an elite runner just isn't having a good day and they stop so that they can save themselves for another day.  I am not elite and my only goal is always just to finish.  Sometimes I have a time goal in my head, but mostly I want to enjoy the run and do the best I can.  And on this day my best was not good enough to satisfy what I wanted to get done.  So why shouldn't I save myself for another day?  So when I got to Joe again at mile 19.6 I pulled the plug.  He did his best to try to get me to keep going, saying things would get better, and they might have, but the truth was I just wanted to be anywhere else but running on a trail for the next 16+ hours.  I took my number off and gave it to the aid station chief and all of a sudden felt very relieved.  It was over and I was OK with this.  This was not a DNF ... I was just plain FD (credit for this term goes to the wonderful BoB ladies who coined it ... just plain "F-ing Done").  I have used this term more than once.  Thank you, ladies.


So now I'm back home and back out running some short easy miles.  And I'm feeling happy again, waiting for my Escarpment entry code to arrive in the mail so that I can finalize my entry.  And I'm not registered for any ultras until the end of August when the Green Lakes 100K comes around.  I'm excited for Escarpment and excited to take time and rest and really prepare for GLER.  And I just plan to take it one race at a time.


Thank you to all who had the endurance to make it to the end of this report.  Maybe I should start writing more often.  Hmmmm.  So in closing I will admit that I signed up for way too many races this spring.  But it's not completely all my fault.  It really stinks that races just fill up so fast that you have to start looking at them months in advance and sign-up just so you won't get shut-out.  Well, forget that ... next year if I get shut-out then it just wasn't meant to be.  And then there's the fact that if I was still a race director this year I would not have had time for all of this anyway.  So next year I plan to do some more volunteering again.


And wow, June is half-way over.  Time flies when you're living race to race.  Never again.  And yes, this all sounds a little insane to me when I put it down in writing ...

2014 BoB ... And Avoiding The FOMO Syndrome

OK, 2014 is here and it's time to get a new year of running and racing started.  A new year means some pretty exciting things in store or me.  First of all, I was accepted into the NUUN Ambassador program as a "NUUN fan", which means representing a company and a hydration product that I really love and really believe in.  NUUN is great-tasting, has a clean and crisp flavor, and does not fill me up like other sports hydration products do; it provides pure hydration and allows me to eat the real food that I love to fuel the fire.  To find out more about this amazing company and their products go to http://www.nuun.com/company/about.






So this year my main goal, other than trying to improve on some old races and running some new exciting ones, is to avoid the FOMO Syndrome.  FOMO is the Fear Of Missing Out ... and I have it bad.  Even when a race offers different distances and I register for a race that is not the longest distance offered, I feel like I am going to miss out on some fun.  A lot of my friends will still be out on the course running when I have finished ... and what if they are having fun and I am missing it?  So that is what makes me register for the longer distance, even if not properly trained and even if the race terrain is not completely compatible with what I run best on.  This year I am determined to not just do what my running friends are doing but to register for what is best for me.  We'll see how that goes ...








For many people winter means taking a break from running and racing; a time to recover and enjoy other fun like skiing, snowshoeing, or just taking a break.  For me, January brings the start of my ultrarunning season with the Winter Beast of Burden 100 and 50 Mile runs.  Typically I have signed up for the 100 miler and end of DNFing at the 50 mile point.  This 100 miler is tough because it is FLAT and repetitive and generally I just can't keep my mind in it.  And when things start to physically fall apart I just can't mentally overcome the problems.  But that's the FOMO Syndrome ... all of my friends are doing the 100 and I don't want to be left out.  That's what gets me in trouble.  So this year I got smart and registered for "just" the 50 miler.  But I have to say ... right up until the days before the race I so wanted to email the race director and try to beg my way in to the 100.  Thank goodness for my good friend Karen who set me straight.  At 37.5 miles I was ready for it to be over and at 50 I was just glad to be alive!








We had some great snow and cold in early January which provided some great training - mental and physical - for the race.  And then just weeks before the race a horrible thing happened ... the snow melted.  And it warmed up.  As I watched the forecast leading up to race day I was totally convinced that this year the race would not be a Beast.  But then Mother Nature came through with the forecast of some great winds.  Thank goodness; there was going to be a challenge after all.




So here's the run-down on how things unfolded ...






Race morning came and it was mid 20s and just a little windy.  As usual, I couldn't decide what to wear and slightly overdressed.  Fortunately Joe was out along the course at around 2 miles and I stripped off my outer layer of wind pants and gave them to him.  This made the first 12.5 miles more comfortable.






12.5 miles - 2 hrs, 15 min.  I was soaked in sweat, since the wind had been at my back the entire way.  This is my biggest issue with this race; I lose a lot of time having to change into dry clothes.  It's a long way between aid stations and if not properly dressed, dry, and warm ... well, it can be pretty miserable if not totally hazardous to your health.  So I quickly changed into dry clothes, downed some Ensure, refilled my bottle with NUUN strawberry lemonade, grabbed some chips, and headed back out.






In the middle of the 12.5 mile sections is Gasport and the midway aid station.  You will hit it on each trip between Lockport and Middleport and it is a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because there are great volunteers there and some pretty excellent food; a curse because going inside that heated tent feels so good that you don't want to leave.  Leaving means you are now warmed up and a bit sweaty and having to go back out into the wind and cold.  So despite how amazing the food and people are, you don't want to spend much time here.






25 miles - 5 hrs, 19 min.  OK, this entire 12.5 mile section was directly into the wind.  I was feeling a bit beat-up and cranky from hypoglycemia at this point.  I couldn't wait to get in and have some hot food.  My honey, Joseph, who is the most amazing crew man out there, was waiting for me with dry clothes and whatever else I wanted.  Problem was, I didn't know what I wanted.  I knew that I had to change my shirt and coat (knowing that the trip back to Middleport would have the wind at my back and I would be warmer and sweating more and I didn't want to soak my windstopper jacket, since I would definitely need it for the last 12.5 miles).  So I got some dry clothes on, ate a luke-warmish grilled cheese sandwich (doesn't it figure ... as my luck goes, Lockport AS lost power and just got it back just as I was coming in, so the hot food that I was so looking forward to was not too hot).  Oh well ... I needed to get out of there and give myself an attitude adjustment.






Once leaving the Lockport AS I was running into the wind, which I knew would not last long since I would soon cross the bridge and head the other direction.  So even though I was cold with what I was wearing, I just hoped that once I crossed the bridge I would be warmer.




So I finally crossed the bridge and was back on the towpath.  One big problem for me this year was that there really was no snow on the towpath; it was just a frozen gravel path and it was hard!  At least with the snow there is some cushion under the feet ... this was totally unforgiving.  Whenever I could find a patch of drifted snow I got onto it and it was heaven.




Once I the towpath the wind was again at my back.  Now it was around 4pm and it really didn't feel as warm as it did earlier.  And I didn't feel as warm.  Fortunately, I had tied a windbreaker around my waist when I was leaving Lockport, so I put that on over my two layers that I already had on and just hoped for the best.  As long as I was moving the cold was at least tolerable.  The wind was still at my back and by the time I reached the Gasport AS my water bottle mouthpiece was frozen.  I had hoped that the effervescent NUUN would help to keep this from happening but I guess the windchill was just too much.  Fortunately, they had hot water at the aid station and were able to thaw the mouthpiece for me.




So I left Gasport slightly revived.  Now it was getting dark.  Headlamp on, front and back flasher lights on.  I looked like a freaking Christmas tree moving down the towpath.  Just as I was hitting a bit of a low spot I came upon some people who were waiting for their runner to come by.  They were having a regular party out on the canal (which is drained down pretty low during the winter and frozen pretty solid in some areas).  The guys were out on the ice running and belly-flopping and sliding on their bellies on the ice!  It was hysterical and just a bit of comic relief that I needed.


I ate some more salty caramel GU which made me feel pretty happy inside.  The NUUN was keeping me very well hydrated.  But now the weird thing was that my face just felt cold and my sinuses were actually hurting.  The wind wasn't even blowing in my face.  So I just got to the point where I ran when I could, walked when I couldn't run, and just bitched out loud because there was no one around to listen to me.




37.5 miles - 8 hrs, 58 min.  Thank goodness I finally reached the Middleport AS.  I was hungry and grumpy and just ready for it to be over.  Joe had gotten a ride out to Middleport so that he could run back to the finish with me.  I knew that he would want to go out with me but I worried that he would not be warm enough at the pace I was moving.  And we would be heading directly into the wind for the final 12.5 miles.  So I grumped into the aid station (thank goodness it is in a heated building) and wanted to know who keeps allowing me to sign up for this every year.  I was cold and miserable.  FORTUNATELY, the ladies working this aid station know me and how I swing with this race.  And they know how to take care of me.  Nancey massaged my irritated IT band and Dani had some homemade Bailey's irish cream.  So I had a nice big cup of Bailey's with some coffee to warm it up, some super hot chicken broth, got on some dry clothes, and got my spirits lifted from the group working there.  These volunteers are, bar-none, the very best!




I really emphasized to Joe just how brutal it was out there but he still insisted on running with me.  Thank god!  At this point in the race runners are so spread out that you really end up running alone most of the time.  I drank more Ensure and refilled the NUUN bottle, grabbed some hot grilled cheese, and we were off.  I had gotten dry clothes on and additional layers, so I was very comfortable.  Joe was moving a bit faster than me and I warned him not to get too sweaty because I was not moving all that fast and wet/sweaty plus a headwind could spell disaster.  He slowed to my pace and I was actually starting to enjoy myself again.  The moon and the stars were and it was pretty surreal.




We met up with friends Lisa and Gary who were running the 100 miler and ran with them for a bit.  The cold was still pretty wicked and with about 7 miles left to go my headlamp faded to practically nothing (the cold really drains the power even though I had lithium batteries).  I had a spare set of batteries but Joe's light was enough for the both of us ... and even if his went out the moon was so big and the towpath so flat and clear we would have been fine.  The lights are mostly necessary on this  course for the other runners to see you so that you don't run into or startle each other.




That last 6.5 miles from Gasport to Lockport always seems longer than it is.  It just takes forever.  And then, out of nowhere, I saw the lights of Widewaters Marina on the other side of the canal.  This is the start/finish area in Lockport.  Granted, even when you can see this spot you still have about 2 miles to go, but just seeing it makes everything better.  I was feeling pretty good at this point but the hard frozen ground and the flat terrain were taking its toll on my right IT band.  I really needed a beer to loosen things up.




50 miles - 12 hrs, 32 min.  FINALLY!  THE FINISH!  I made it.  After 5 years of running this event I finally had an actual finish and not a DNF.  I got inside the heated tent and was right away given some pretty amazing beer ... an IPA with 12.5% ABV.  Thank you, Jim!  Joe did an amazing job of getting me to the finish; keeping me moving and running when I just felt like walking.  All of the volunteers, race directors, other runners' crew people ... they all helped to get me to the finish.  This is why I come back to this race every year ... the people are just simply amazing!  Thank you to all of them for a wonderful time!




I had really hoped to run a faster time but then I realized a few things ...




1.  The terrain of this course works against me.  Flat is not my thing ... the repetitiveness on the muscles and joints is really hard for me.


2.  I need to carry more food and eat better between the aid stations.  They are pretty far apart and trying to eat enough before going 5+ miles until the next station is pretty hard.


3.  I lost at least an hour having to change into dry clothes.  I can't say that I wasted this time; it was essential for my survival.  It can be below zero and I still sweat a lot.  And sweat + wind + cold = disaster.  It was necessary to take this time to make sure I was properly clothed and warm.




And what I learned ...




1.  I laughed when Joe got me a box of 40 Hot Hands handwarmers for Christmas.  Guess who knew what the right gift was for me this year?  I love you, Joseph!


2.  No matter how cold it is outside, nothing tastes better than a cold beer at the finish!




Aside from Joseph and all of the other wonderful people, what got me to the finish?
FOOD/HYDRATION:
NUUN hydration tablets
Gu salty caramel gels
Butter Pecan Ensure
grilled cheese sandwiches on good old white bread
coffee and Bailey's Irish Cream (I could have used more of this!)




OK ... that ends my winter fun-run, just-survive-and-finish-no-matter-what-the-time run.  Now it's time to focus.  I hope to be better about posting after my next race (this took me 2 weeks to get this together!)  I love the winter but I miss the trails ... maybe it's time to get the snowshoes out!




Pictures to come ... as soon as I figure out why they are not uploading!

Running On Empty ...

two weeks ago today was the beginning of the end ... the three-day downward spiral that eventually brought to an end of a 16 year relationship filled with love and a lot of laughter.  two weeks ago when I sat down to have my morning coffee with my little fur-face Sammy Loo and she just wasn't acting right I never would have guessed that two days later she would be gone.  my girl gave it the good fight and I have always said that truly loving a pet is doing what is best for them even though it may be killing you ... and sometimes that is knowing when to let them go; knowing that ending their suffering is the kindest act of friendship you can do for them.  and thank you to the wonderful, compassionate veterinarian that made it possible for Joe and I to say our final goodbyes in our home with Sammy on my lap in the chair where we sat together having coffee every morning.

so it was a brutally tough week.  every time I tried to run I would just intermittently just open up in tears and have to walk.  prior to Sammy getting sick I had been on a running high with the great run that I had at Oil Creek 50K.  I couldn't wait to get back out and race again.  so it was a last-minute decision to go to the Tussey Mountain 50 Miler on Sunday, October 20.  when Sammy first got sick and needed to take meds I had already decided that I would not go to the race so that I could stay home and take care of her.  when she died my heart was truly not into running a race.  Joe tried to convince me that it would be good to just get out and run and just have time to think or not think.  ok, so I thought maybe this was true.  but on Saturday morning as we prepared to leave for PA, it just didn't feel right.  I didn't want to be away from home and leave Yip and Salem.  I just needed to be with my kitties ... after all, they were mourning the loss of their sister, too.  but everything was ready to go and as torn as I was I decided to give it a try.

my head and my heart just were not into the whole run right from the start.  despite two IPAs on Saturday, which usually helps me to rest well before a race, I slept pretty restlessly.  I woke up Sunday morning not even having my race stuff together.  I filled my bottle with water and threw some gels and NUUN tabs into my race vest and figured I would just hope for the best.  the weather was supposed to be perfect for running - high 40s and partly sunny.  my kind of running weather.  we got to the race site and saw some friends, which helped to distract my thoughts until the start.  and then we started and pretty soon I was running alone and my mind just kept going back to Sammy and Yip and Salem.  I just never got into the swing of things with my run.  I ran with a laminated photo of Sammy on the back of my race vest and as I was running along another runner asked if that was my number one fan.  I could barely answer and as soon as I was out of his earshot I was crying.  by mile 10 the physical pain of running on the road was catching up to me.  this race is a mix of dirt and paved roads, similar to what I run on at home ... sometimes.  obviously I have not done enough long-distance road running in a long time.  I love the soft dirt of the trails, the skipping and jumping over fallen trees, roots, and rocks and the change-up of using different muscles that comes with trailrunning.  obviously I had a lapse in memory of how brutal roads are to me.  by mile 10 my low back was screaming.  I was holding a decent pace and all I could think is that if I slowed up it would take longer to get this thing over.  and I wanted it over.  so I kept plugging along and around mile 15 my friend Katherine caught up to me and we had a nice talk as we walked up a hill.  and then she pulled away from me and all I could think about was my back pain.  and my heart was heavy and I continued with intermittent outbursts of tears as I thought about Sammy.

by mile 27 I really really wanted it all over.  things were just going awful and I couldn't turn them around.  problem was that Joe was not out on the course crewing for me.  before the race started I had hoped that he would find a spot somewhere along the course to watch the race and I would get to see him, but so far the only time I saw him was when he was driving a volunteer back to the start.  so I left the mile 27 aid station hoping that I would see him at the next station, around mile 32.  and so the death march continued and I walked, ran, cried, cursed, and just hoped that I would see Joe soon.  as I came into the mile 32 aid station I started to scan the crowd for Joe.  I didn't see him and I didn't see his car.  I needed to stop and I didn't know what to do.  it seemed that the race really didn't have a good plan for getting people who dropped back to the finish; basically you had to try to hitch a ride with another crew person or relay team.  but then something magical happened.  as I came into the aid station I saw a familiar face ... with green hair.  Teresa!  The Avocados were out on the course!  I met Teresa some years back and she is a wonderful person and every year at Tussey she and some friends have a team called The Avocados and they are just awesome.  Teresa came over to give me a hug and I just broke down crying.  she asked me what I needed and I told her that I just needed to be done ... now.  she understood.  she helped me over to their team van and offered me warm clothes and food.  I really didn't need any of that right then.  I wasn't really sweaty because of the cool temps, I was warm enough, and my appetite just wasn't there.  but then one of the other Avocados offered me a beer.  oh yes, that was what I needed.  and it tasted so good.

we never did see Joe and I wasn't able to reach him on his cell phone.  so I rode in the Avocado van for the remainder of their relay run and I drank their beer.  and I had some time where I wasn't crying and I wasn't thinking about missing Sammy and it was the best part of the whole weekend.  and I can't thank that group enough for taking me in.  they were exactly what I needed.

as we rolled into the finish area, three beers later and my back feeling a bit better, there was Joe standing at the finish line, waiting for me.  this was definitely the best way I have every finished this race!

I can at least talk about Sammy now without crying, although writing this right now brings me to tears.  She was such an amazing piece of work.  there are so many things that I miss about her.  Yip and Salem are acting way different not having their sister in the house.  and they have definitely stepped up and having been taking wonderful care of me and Joe.  we are very lucky to have them and very lucky for the time that we got to spend with Sammy.  I am back to running and feeling pretty strong and ready to tackle the next 50 miler ... with Sammy riding shot gun on my back.  we will have a better go at it this time, I know it.  she wouldn't have it any other way.

my year in running leading up to this past weekend

holy crap ... I have really been off the radar with my postings.  time to get it together and keep writing down what has been going on ... mostly so I can remember the good and the bad of my races so when I look back with fond memories I can get a good dose of reality.

so I see that my last post was the febapple 50K.  apparently that was the beginning of a pattern.  the pattern being DNF at a 100 miler, have a strong 50K after.  the febapple came right off of the beast of burden 100 mile DNF.  100 mile DNF #1.  this was followed by some good and some not-so-good spring races, all of which were basically training runs for the Vermont 100 mile in july.  well ... guess what happened there?  a big fat DNF at mile 62, after dealing with some serious foot pain for 52 miles.  I can't say that I felt totally bad about the DNF because it was due to something real that was going wrong ... not me just mentally getting wimpy.  100 mile DNF #2.  but then came Green Lakes 50K in august and I was back and running and feeling good.  good enough to pull out a 6:17 50K, something that I had not done in a very long time.  this too was a training run for the penultimate run ... Virgil Crest 100 miler in September.  I went into this race feeling physically and mentally ready.  and then the rain came and the trails turned to grease.  I slipped and fell too many times to count and by the time I got to around mile 36 I knew that I was done.  the best I could do was struggle to finish the 50 miler, which I did with the help of my trekking poles and a beer.  100 mile DNF #3.

but I felt happy that I had the sense to stop at VCU before really hurting myself.  and hoping that I had saved something for the Oil Creek 50K which came just two weeks after VCU.  My right IT band was giving me some twinges off and on, so I bought an ITB strap just 3 days before the race and hoped that it would do the trick.  so the pattern that had been going was 100 mile DNF = strong 50K run to follow surely meant that I had a strong 50K run coming.  AND I found a 4-leaf clover on one of my runs just days before OC.  surely this all meant that things would work out ...

so let's skip all those boring months leading up to this past weekend and just get on with it ... the run that I had been waiting all year for.  yes, it was a shorter distance than I hoped to have my best run at this year, but it was definitely my best run of the year; all things seemed to just fall into place.

FRIDAY ... joe and I arrived in Titusville, PA, for the Oil Creek 50K that both of us would be running.  I agreed early on that I would run my race and joe would run his.  he had been diligently training and I felt good that he would take good care of himself out on the trails.  and I could concentrate on my race.  we got to chat with some friends, picked up our race numbers, and set off for dinner at The Blue Canoe brewpub.  after a dinner of beer battered fish, fries, coleslaw, vegetable bisque soup, and two IPAs, it was back to the Titusville middle school parking lot where we would camp for the night in the car-V.

SATURDAY ... race day!  we got up around 5:30am so that we could watch the 100Kers take off.  after a breakfast of coffee, mashed potatoes, and coffee cake, I was ready to run.  it was a cool morning (probably low 60s) but I could already feel the humidity.  and at 7am we were off and running.  I hung back a bit trying to find my pace.  the first ~1.5-2 miles is on road/paved bike path, so I didn't want to take off too fast, knowing that once we entered the woods the course would narrow to singletrack.  and actually I fell into a good group ... as we trotted up the trail (uphill) I chatted with two women ahead of me and a girl behind me (who I quickly learned was someone I knew from VCU and Cayuga Trails 50).  I never felt like I was being pushed but I did feel like that if I was by myself on these sections I would probably be walking more.  so it was good that I was with a group that helped me to push myself a bit.

AS #1 (mile 7.1) ... 1 hour, 19 minutes.  still felt strong, hydrating with NUUN, downed 2 cups of Dr. Pepper.  Didn't feel the need to eat anything yet as I was feeling well-fuelled.

AS #2 (mile 13.9) ... 2 hours, 41 minutes, 25 seconds.  temps were still OK but the humidity was getting brutal.  I was totally soaked.  I think I ate one salty caramel GU and had taken one Salt Stick cap prior to arriving at the station.  still I felt strong and did not feel the need to eat solid food.  I just wanted liquids - NUUN and Dr. Pepper really hit the spot.

AS #3 (mile 22.7) ... 4 hours, 32 minutes.  the sun had really come out and the heat was kicking up.  I was drinking only water/NUUN from my hydration pack and had eaten a couple more salty caramel GUs and a couple more Salt Stick caps.  my hydration pack felt a bit light so I figured I had better fill it up with water for the last section.  two more cups of Dr. Pepper and a half of a grilled cheese sandwich, and I was off.  I felt strong and was still secretly hoping that if I could keep up the pace I could finish in under 6:30.

the climbs between this aid station and the finish are probably the most brutal of any of the hills on this course.  and it was getting hotter and sunnier.  and my feet were just feeling hot and beat up.  and I just wanted to sit down.

FINISH (31.1 miles) ... 6 hours, 19 minutes, 32 seconds.  the last 2 miles of this course have to be the hardest ... they are FLAT.  and after all that climbing and descending on the trails with the tree cover around you, this flat, open section is just tough.  but I worked off of the energy that I was finishing!  as I watched the 100 milers and 100Kers heading back out, for once I felt really glad to not be them.

after 5,459 feet of elevation gain, a lot of NUUN tabs, 7 cups of  Dr. Pepper, 5 salty caramel GUs, 2+ liters of water, 4 Salt Stick caps, and my first long run in my Salomon Sense Mantras, I was done.  I had been red-lining it from about mile 7, running outside of my comfort zone.  and it felt good.  I truly had not pushed like that in a race in a long time.  and I truly felt like I was racing.  it was actually kinda cool.  so where did this get me?

overall finish:  21st out of 133.
overall female finish:  5th place.
masters female finish:  1st place.
and a really cool bronze finishers buckle.

I thought about joe frequently while I was running.  I hoped that he was having as much fun as I was.  he had paced me for the last 17 miles on this course in 2011 when I ran the 100K, so I knew that he at least had some familiarity with the course.  and he had been training.  I just hoped that he was staying hydrated and respecting the heat.  after I finished I did not shower right away because I did not want to miss joe finish.  so I hung out with my friend Katherine and we waited for joe.  after a while I just felt too disgusting for words (and I really smelled) and I just wanted to grab a quick shower.  Katherine said she would wait for joe while I showered.  I really tried to hurry but just after I showered and was dropping my junk in the car and getting ready to head over to the finish line, there comes joe and Katherine walking to the car!  and joe looked good!  he finished in 8:12!

so it was a great day for both of us.  and we both had trail tales to share on the drive home.  it felt so good to have a great run, get some eats, get home, and sleep in my own bed.  it was so nice to share a good day of racing with joe having a good day of racing an ultra.  we haven't both had good ultra races together in quite some time.  and it was nice to get up today still feeling good and ready to run (ok ... maybe not ... I still sat around and ate like it was the day after a 100 miler!).  but I am really hoping to keep up the strong training and speed for Stone Cat 50 Miler.  I would really like to break 10 hours there ... it seems doable but I have never been able to do it.  maybe this will be the year.

so for now ... my streak of crappy races has been broken and I am feeling pretty positive about my speed and endurance.  hopefully it was not a fluke ...

Something New, Something Fun

OK, I admit it.  I got sucked in by the schwag.  I mean, really, a nice fleecey vest that represents winter as opposed to the usual race shirt that I normally get at a race any other time of the year.  That's how I initially got sucked into The Febapple Frozen Fifty trail race in NJ, put on by NJ Trail Series.  I saw a post from them on Facebook, promoting the race and advertising the fleece vest.  And that was all it took.

For the last couple of years I have done basically the same winter races and this year I was feeling in a bit of running funk.  So when the opportunity to try something new came up, it was exactly what I needed.  I have been longing for the trails and the opportunity to get out on them for a 50K was just too tempting.  And it was just a few hours drive from home.  The race offers four different distances - 10, 20, 30, or 50 miles.  Thank goodness the race directors emphasize the cut-off times for the 50 miler, which really kept me from signing up for 50 miles.  50K was just right given the conditions ... some snow, lots of ice, lots of mud, puddles, and a couple of good-sized downed trees to climb over on each 10 mile loop.

I didn't go into this thinking of it as a race, not that I usually have a "race mentality", but I knew that a 30 mile "race" would require something that I don't really have ... speed.  So here's how the day panned out ...

Prior to the start of the race it was a constant heavy mist of rain in 40-ish degree temps.  I just kept hoping I brought the right clothing.  I don't care about getting wet just as long as I stay warm.  With a base layer of merino wool shirt, covered by a regular tech shirt and vest, tights on my legs, and gaiters, gloves, and hat, I hoped that I had enough clothing ... and I was absolutely soaked before the end of loop one, but I was warm.

Loop 1 ... went out easy since I didn't know what to expect on the course.  Felt surprisingly good on many of the climbs, which made me happy but left me wondering if I should be running them this early on and then have to pay for it later.  Oh well, I would find out.

Loop 2 ... stopped to change my wool shirt to a dry one and cover with a different light shirt to keep the wind out.  This proved to be time well spent, as I stayed warm and did not have to change my clothes the rest of the run.  Started this loop feeling a bit foggy, wasn't really sure what was going on since I felt fuelled and didn't think it was a fuelling issue.  So I started taking more Endurolytes and getting more liquids in me, wondering if I might be a bit dehydrated.  At about the 14 mile point I had a bit of a headache and since I was passing the car I stopped and grabbed a couple of Bayer Migraine pills and carried on.  After a couple of miles the headache started to dissipate and I started feeling my mojo kick in and was able to run.  And I felt great.  Until Friday night's dinner started to kick in.  I had a nice dinner of a veggie pannini, which tasted great, but I knew as soon as I bit into the sandwich that this probably was not a great idea for a pre-race meal.  And then there was that artichoke dip.  Well ... long story short, the work I had put in to pass some other runners bit me in the ass as I watched them pass me by while I was taking my pitstop(s).  Crap.  Literally.  Oh well ... I wasn't in this to race anyway ... and now that all four distance racers were out on the courese I didn't even really know who was in "my race" either.  So I just kept plugging along.  Thank goodness the second stop was the last one.

Loop 3 ... Now I really had no clue who was in my race.  I started this loop out alone and on the first 4 mile-ish section I saw maybe three other runners.  I passed through the start/finish area, grabbed a quick drink and saw Joe briefly.  I felt great!  I kicked it up a little (as much as I could without falling on the ice or slipping in the mud or slush).  Eventually I saw a couple of the runners who had passed me during my "breaks".  And I kicked it right by them.  I stopped briefly for a drink at the final aid station and was passed by a young girl who decided not to stop.  It took a while but I was finally able to catch her and then pass her.  And then the fates were on my side.  Long downhill section ... my long legs were able to stride it out here and build some distance.  She was wearing minimalist shoes and I had my Hokas on, so I was able to bomb down on the rocky sections with no problem.  We got to the giant downed tree (top of it was at my waist level and no way could you crawl under it).  Once again, being tall was so helpful here ... I was able to quickly get over the tree.  I still had no idea who was ahead of me or who was in my race, but eventually I came upon a girl wearing a jacket with "Drexel Squash" written on the back.  I hadn't seen her since the start of our race.  I just focused on catching her and eventually I did and was able to pass her on an uphill.  My sole purpose from this point on was to not get passed again.  And I so wanted to be under 7 hours at the finish.  And I was afraid to look at my watch.  So I just kept running as hard as I could.

THE FINISH ... finally!  There it was!  I crossed the finish line in 6 hours, 40 minutes!  And I had a blast!  It rained a heavy mist the entire race, the course got muddier each loop, the ice seemed to get slicker, and it only got funner!  And best of all, my little mental push of not wanting to get passed by those that I was finally able to pass and the fact that I just wanted to push for time got me third place female OVERALL!  Those two women that I passed in the last couple of miles ... yes, they were in my race and if I hadn't pushed past them I would have ended up fifth.  Again, not that I really cared about my placing, I was just so happy with my time (and the fact that I didn't fall once!), but it felt great to feel like I actually "raced" my last loop.  I haven't done that in a long time.

So the race distance may have been short a mile of 50K, but who cares?  I still had a fun time, I pushed harder than I have in a long time, and I was just so greatful to be out on the trails again!  Joe, as always, was a fantastic race volunteer and awesome crewman.  This turned out to be a wonderful way to break-up the dreary winter.  I plan to put this one on the calendar again for next year and I would highly recommend it.  A nice little road trip, awesome volunteers, great running comraderie, and a beautiful course.  All in all, a great weekend!

Beast: 3, Me: 0

That's it.  The Winter Beast of Burden Ultra is just brutal.  It seems like it should be a very doable 100 miler, yet there are some very weird factors which make it deceptively hard ... harder than any 100 miler I have finished or started/DNF'd in (and there are quite a few of those!).  I have always said that the BoB is 99.5% mental.  And now I believe that more than ever.

I have attended every Winter Beast since its inception in 2010, but the first year they had a 24-hour event, which I wisely entered, so there was really no DNF there.  And I had never run a 24-hour event before, so all I expected was to run what I could.  And I did.  And I had fun.  Since then I have, for some silly reason, decided that I should tackle the 100 miler.  2011:  ran Hartshorne Mile 1 week before the race and during the race while trying to do some speed-hiking, I pulled a groin muscle and dropped at 50 miles (I am certain the problem started with running the mile).  2012:  went into the race already injured with wicked plantar fasciitis, but started to feel some healing in progress, so I decided to just see what I could do.  What I did was a very painful 37.5 miles.  2013:  completely healed, trained, finished a 100 miler in September, learned some knew mental tactics, and I felt totally confident that I could do it.  And yet, leading up to race day, I felt excitement to run and have fun, but my heart just didn't feel the "want" or the energy that I had going into Virgil Crest.  But I was certain that things would fall into place once we got to Lockport.

So here is the dirt.  I have found that writing race reports that I can go back to and remember things about races that I somehow forget when I get caught up in the excitement of all of my friends signing up for a race is a necessity.  I will need to look back at this next year and remember why I am not signing up for the BoB 100 again.  It's not that I don't love the race ... well, I don't, actually ... what I love is the people there.  The volunteers.  The friends.  That is why I keep going back.  That is why I plan to volunteer at the next one and offer to pace, if needed.  The items that I will run-down here are what I need to remember as to why I love the event but why I just cannot run it anymore.

• Last minute house cleaning before leaving for the weekend.  Smashed my left little toe on the TV stand - same toe that I broke after Virgil Crest in September and the toe has been deformed since.  Immediate tooth-grinding pain, swelling, and discoloration.
• Fun drive to Lockport with Joe and Karen F.  Good music, good eats.
• Excellent dinner at the usual spot - DeFlippo's.  It's tradition.
• Race morning ... disappointed to find the sun shining and the temps way too hot for me at 15 degrees.  I dressed warmly but minimally ... or so I thought.
• About 3 miles into the run the sun was at our faces and what little wind there was was at our backs.  Jacket off.  Wished I could have taken my pants off too.
• Excellent aid stations with my Orgain that I brought, HEED, pringles, Coke, and the most amazing grilled cheese sandwiches.  This was my main diet throughout the race.  I digested amazingly well.
• Darn Tough merino wool socks that I had been running in all winter did not work so well when mixed with 5 1/2 hours of snow and sweat.  My feet looked like prunes at mile 25 and a blister was starting to form on the arch of my right foot.  This never happens.  Foot powder and compression socks and a dry pair of Hoka Stinson Evos to the rescue.  Another layer of Desitin to potential chafing areas, more grilled cheese, Coke, Orgain, and HEED and I was ready to head back out.  Thank goodness the sun was going down and the temps were dropping.
• Music on and running side-by-side with my ultra training partner Karen, we ran in seemingly perfect synergy.  We didn't need to talk.  We just ran a pace that we both have become accustomed to in our training.
• Got to see the full moon rising out of the horizon ... from nothing more than a sliver on the horizon to rising fully into the sky, the perfectly circular moon shown so brightly that I didn't need my headlight for quite a while.  It was quite awesome.
• When I had to turn my light I caught sight of glow eyes on the frozen canal.  A cat sat quietly in the middle of the canal as we passed by.
• Desitin is not the perfect chafing savior that I thought it was.  Or maybe it is and it was my clothing choices early on that were not so perfect.  I think problems started with the fact that I had too many layers on early when it was warmer and the sweating was just too much.  Couldn't wait to get back to Lockport and tend to this.  I was amazingly uncomfortable.
• The loneliness of The Beast ... and the towpath.  A guy who was running his first 50 miler started to run into some mental and physical issues around 43 miles.  It was funny because you could tell how much trouble he was having because he didn't want to leave us.  He needed company.  We'd slow down, stop for pee breaks, and he would too.  It's so hard to be out on the towpath in the middle of nowhere, alone, and struggling.  When it gets like this you just need to be with someone, anyone.  Even if you don't know them.  I'm glad we were there for him.
• We got our new friend to his first 50 mile finish (and he said he thought it would be his last!).  I still struggled with the pain of the chafing and just couldn't imagine going back out there.  Reality ... I could try to fix things but if I got even only a few miles back out on the towpath and things went to shit again, I was screwed.  It would be a long way to Middleport and Joe.  Nope.  I was done.  And I was OK with it.
• Karen was prepping to go back out, but mentally struggling, too, I think.  Our hearts just were not into the run this year.  So after taking three ... yes THREE ... caffeine pills in prep of heading back out for the run, Karen decided to call it a night, too.
• All was good ... I enjoyed 50 miles of running with a good friend, got to experience the joy of helping another runner to his first finish, ate and digested amazingly well, got to run by the light of the full moon shining off of the snow ... it really couldn't get much better.  And there is no "DNF" at the Beast of Burden.  You don't finish your race?  Then you are just plain "FD" ... fucking done.  I love it.  Once we were FD we drove back out to the Middleport aid station to have some beers with our friends who were manning that station (seriously, the very best part of this race is the volunteers ... it is the only reason we keep going back ... no joke).  We got to Middleport and Jen tried to take down our numbers.  We corrected her and told her we were done.  Jen: "FD?".  Me and Karen:  "yup".  Jen:  "Thank God ... now we can have some fun!"  I love it!  This was the seriously best part of the race ... relaxing and enjoying time with good friends ... with good beer (appropriately, we drank Flying Dog Raging Bitch IPA).  Thanks to Jen, Ginny, Nancey, Beth, and Dani who have been there with us at all 4 Winter Beasts (and all of the Summer Beasts, too).  You guys are the best!  And then there were the countless number of other volunteers who worked so hard to keep us runners going ... thank you!

So, the upshot of this was that my heart just wasn't into the run.  I could have pressed on, it would have been ugly and painful and I would not have enjoyed it.  I enjoyed the time that I was out there.  I had fun with friends.  I drank good beer.  I ran under the full moon.  That is all.